The best thing about the summer 17th
was that I finally power-slurped the worm
out of a high-end bottle of tequila.
The worst thing:
I got a DUI and ends up in Essex County jail.
Since it was my first time in lockdown,
I didn't know what to expect.
My new roommates were mostly inked-up tweakers.
Except for one.
I don't know what her crime was,
but it was obviously fashion related.
What are you looking at, Barbie?
Think you're better than me?
No.
I was just thinking you would benefit
from a really good bra.
Is that your idea of some kind of joke?
It was quickly becoming apparent to me that this situation
was much more serious than I had realized.
Then it hit me... I had to make friends with this woman,
really quickly.
I'll be in your bunk an hour after lights out.
Mmm. Wow!
Perhaps I thought too fast.
My friendly overture had made the situation even worse.
So I did what I do whenever I really screw up...
I prayed.
Are you there, vodka?
It's me, Chelsea.
I know I messed up, but if you let me out of this cell,
I swear I'll turn my life around.
Hey, blonde.
Time to go home.
Damn, you're good.
What?
It was a December 17th miracle.
My judge-y, super-Christian sister Sloane
came to bail me out.
Sloane, thanks for this. You're the best.
Hey, you.
Cross your legs, will you?
I don't want a certain someone peeking out
and seeing her favorite aunt in jail.
Thank you for getting arrested, by the way.
I really enjoyed using a prison toilet for the first time.
And hopefully my unborn baby will enjoy her Chlamydia.
I'm 39 weeks pregnant and my husband's in Afghanistan,
and you're the one who's supposed to drive me to the hospital.
I am tired of bailing you out.
Sloane, you never bail me out.
Yes, I see the irony.
I lived with you in the basement for a week
after you wrecked dad's car.
Nobody is a good driver when they're 13.
And what about the time I handled dad
when you and Olivia had those marines in your bedroom?
It was veterans day.
We were being patriotic.
Holding a flag between your legs is not patriotism.
I'm really changing things.
I even pregnant in the holding cell, Sloane.
Vodka is not the lord.
Are you sure?
They're both invisible and have a hand
in unexplained pregnancies.
Wow, Chelsea. A dui.
Man, congratulations.
Now you've officially done everything under the influence.
That's helpful. Thank you.
I would have driven her, except I passed out on the couch
in the ladies room.
What's your excuse?
Well, I was mopping up the floor
around the couch in the ladies room.
So loudly.
Olivia has been my best friend since grade school.
Ever since we were little, she's always had my back.
Some people have pit bulls
hey, watch it!
Ooh!
I have Olivia.
Chels, listen to me. You know what your problem is?
I work with a bartender who gives unsolicited advice?
No. You're trying to drink like a guy.
Last night I drank like two guys.
Well, believe me, guys don't like that.
Oh, no. How will I ever hook me a man?
In order to understand my strange and complicated
relationship with Rick, you need to know something.
One night, less than 3 years ago,
we got really drunk and discovered we shared one trait
that would forever keep us from hooking up.
We both like to be on top.
I'll it. I'll get it.
I'm gonna get it I got it.
It's gotten. I'll get it!
Oh, you're such a man. You won.
Hello! Jerry's ultimate sports bar.
If you can't finish your drinks, our waitress will.
Man, I'm going to have to make some big changes in my life.
Are you going to quit drinking?
Yeah. Right after I quit dry-humping.
Heads up!
That's Todd, our bar back.
We all feel sorry for him because of his obvious challenge.
Here's your limes.
Todd, these are lemons.
He's colorblind.
Do you know anybody that is looking for an apartment?
'Cause there's a girl in my building that's looking for roommates.
Your apartment's like a block from here, right?
Yeah.
Ok. Do you see what's happening?
A plan is presenting itself.
This is how it works for me.
I get a dui, and then all of a sudden
an apartment walking distance from work mysteriously opens up.
Great, so that's your plan, then?
You're gonna move a block away from work
and just continue to drink as much as you ever did?
Well, if I'm that close, I should probably drink more.
113...
114...
115.
115 steps from the bar.
Huh. I got 2-0-4.
Hey, you must be Chelsea and Olivia. Come on in.
The bachelor's about to hand out the final rose,
so I hope you can wait to talk about the apartment.
If you saw it last night, don't spoil it.
Oop! They're flashing back to the hot tub.
I can't watch this with people. It's too dirty.
Brownies? I just made them. They're still warm. Brownies? I just made them. They're still warm.
If these have hash in them, I want to marry you
and adopt a biracial baby.
You're so funny.
I'm not that funny.
But I do have a pretty good joke book. Hold on.
Wow. This place is sweet.
I know. It's giving me lady wood.
Are you sure it's not from that black guy in the elevator?
'Cause that's what's working me right now.
I've gotta get this place, Olivia.
And you need to move in with me.
I know. I have got to get out of my parents' house.
My clothes smell like kimchi.
Plus, this place is closer to Manhattan.
Don't you have a job interview tomorrow?
For an unpaid internship.
I was such an idiot to major in journalism.
No, you were an idiot to go to college.
And even if I do get a real job,
it'll probably pay half of what I make at the bar.
Then why do it?
Because it's the American dream.
You people made it up.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting cow who?
Moo.
Oh! Ha ha ha!
Love.
Hi, dad. Hi, sweetie.
Your big sister told me about your dui.
Nice work, Chelsea.
She is such a narc.
You need a lecture, or did you learn your lesson?
I learned my lesson.
Good. Enough said.
Hey, look. I got you a camera
to film Sloane's birth.
Are you sure? I don't want to tape over the Kennedy assassination. Are you sure? I don't want to tape over the Kennedy assassination.
How about "thank you," little missy?
My dad hates shelling out money for anything.
Dad, this isn't a cabbage patch doll.
It's a lettuce leaf kid.
Dad, I'm not using that piece of crap
to film the birth of my first niece.
I don't know what it is with you girls
about filming down there, anyway.
I was in Vietnam, and the worst thing I saw
was a young gal giving birth on the side of the road.
It was a total bloodbath.
Hey, Chels, you know, we just got a new video camera for the bar
so we can show people dancing on the monitors.
Here. Melvin, dance a little bit.
Right. Picture that, but with hot women.
Well, here, you can borrow it if you want.
What? Rick, you are like the king of hooking me up. What? Rick, you are like the king of hooking me up.
The camera, the apartment.
I know we've had our differences, but I am this close
to giving you a handie.
Hey!
If he's a gentleman.
Hey, Todd, what you got there?
Well, inspired by you, Chels, I started a little side business
where I drive drunk people home in their own cars.
And then you drive home on this thing?
Yeah. It folds up and I put it in the trunk.
And I put my pedal extenders in my backpack.
Hey, can I leave some of these coupons at the bar?
"Driving miss drunkie."
Nice!
I'm not allowed to drive right now, but I will hand these out.
I'm very influential in the drunk community.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting.
Dad, don't pee in the alley.
Don't drink and drive.
Huh? Jeez, look at that dude. Huh? Jeez, look at that dude.
All right, look, before you knock him,
he's actually a really cool guy.
He's smart, too. He's in I.T. And I think he went to Harvard.
Uh-huh. Really?
He should have gone to clown college
and learned to pull fish out of his pants, like the good lord intended.
Hey, man. I'm Jonathan. Rick, right?
Hey, yeah. You drink, uh, vodka and...
right. More vodka.
Vodka and more vodka? That's my drink. Vodka and more vodka? That's my drink.
I'm Chelsea, by the way.
It occurred to me that I had judged another human being
based on his horrible clown hair
without even bothering to find out what he drinks.
I began to admire him for having the confidence to walk around
with a lid like that.
Obviously it wasn't his fault he was a redhead.
It was his gross ancestors.
Clearly some old bitch back there shagged the court Jester.
What an interesting person.
See, maybe I should go out with someone like that.
Even if he does look like Kathy Griffin.
Is he single?
Well, more importantly,
is he a bottom?
I don't need someone who's always a bottom, Rick.
Just sometimes a bottom.
Sometimes.
Hey, whatever you need to tell yourself, Chels.
I was there.
Hey, guys.
Quick question.
Do you want to go out sometime?
Yeah. My treat. Me?
And don't worry, we'll go somewhere cheap
so you don't feel pressured to put out.
Oh, I have low self-esteem, so I always put out.
Bottoms up!
Like 98% of women who can see,
I'd never been a fan of the redheaded male.
But Jonathan was really sweet.
So I took him to a place where he wouldn't stick out
like a freckled sore thumb.
Tommy o'Flanagan's Irish pub.
Wow, great place.
I thought you'd like it.
I do. You know what else I like?
Your hair. It looks really pretty tonight.
Thanks. And how about your...
Shirt.
It's very nice.
Oh, would you like another pint?
I don't know, I'm kind of full.
Would it be cool if I unbuttoned the top of my pants?
If you want, you can just take them off and wrap my coat around you.
I like where this is going.
I probably should have asked Dee Dee
if it's ok to bring a cat in the apartment.
Relax, she'll be fine.
Is there a Kitty out here?
Kitty, Kitty!
If it's a problem, I can just pawn him off on my dad.
Oh, no way. I love cats.
They just do whatever they want to do.
Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!
Wow, Dee, if you could never do that again,
that would be fantastic.
I'm a cat. I don't care what you think.
Oh, my God. How do you ever get laid?
I'm waiting till I get married,
like the Jonas brothers.
So, you're a virgin?
Everywhere? Mm-hmm. Everywhere? Mm-hmm.
Of course.
Thank you. That is amazing.
I think the first time you open your Pikachu, confetti comes out.
I think mine whistled.
He's so beautiful. What's his name?
Ass face.
Okey dokey, I'm gonna call him boots.
Oh, my God. We're gonna have to get her laid.
No. She is a rare and beautiful creature.
We need to keep her exactly the way she is
and stuff her when she dies.
Oh, hey, Sloane. Did you come to check out the new place?
You know, we have Lamaze tonight, remember?
You're about to become a terrible aunt.
Sloane, I'm sorry. I thought Lamaze was tomorrow night.
Oh, that's so unusual. Usually you're so protective of your brain cells.
Ha ha. I'm supposed to work tonight.
But I could try to find someone to cover my shift.
Olivia, can you cover my shift?!
No. Well, that's out.
Well, this is ridiculous. I mean, I have to go by myself?
Sloane, come on. It's the same thing every week.
It's just , push, plop, done.
Can I ask you a question? Have you ever considered Can I ask you a question? Have you ever considered
about how you're gonna get me to the hospital?
Uh, cab?
Cabs can take up to a half an hour.
I know. That's why everyone drives drunk.
You know, this isn't a joke to me.
This is me having a baby, ok?
I need somebody I can count on,
not somebody who's gonna siphon off my epidural.
Just stay home, then. You don't even have to come to the hospital.
Come on, you need me. Mom's gone, and Chris is in Afghanistan.
Well, I'll ask sister Mary Francis to come.
Sister Mary Francis? You're gonna have someone play catcher Sister Mary Francis? You're gonna have someone play catcher
who's never even played with a bat before?
Ok, good night, Chelsea.
Wait. Are you seriously saying you'd rather
have some old nun there than me?
Yes. At least she doesn't drink herself into jail
on saturday nights.
That's because she has to work on sunday morning.
I can't believe Sloane doesn't want me
at the birth of my own niece?
I had so many good plans.
One thing I wanted to do was really scare the baby right when it came out.
That way, everything from there on out would be a piece of cake.
Simmer down, boots.
Ass face does not like to be held, Dee Dee. He's mean.
Oh, no. You're not mean. Mmm.
Are those scratch marks on your neck?
Yeah. He's angry 'cause he can't talk.
Chelsea, I've been thinking about you and your sister.
You know, my mom and dad would fight and my dad and I
would bake cupcakes for her.
Did that help?
No. She became a diabetic
and ran off with her doctor.
Oh.
It's ok. He's a really good doctor.
He caught it early, so she still has both her feet.
I just can't get past this Sloane thing.
I just keep grinding on it.
Maybe you should grind on something else.
Clear your head, get yourself back to normal.
It has been a while since my bottom half smiled.
There you go!
Yeah. What?
That night I sent Olivia and Dee Dee to pizza hut
and called Jonathan. He came right over.
It was as if he was just sitting in front of the phone in a halfie.
I was kind of curious to be with my first redhead.
But while I had made peace with the drapes,
I'd forgotten about the carpet.
Good lord! It was like a clown in a leg lock.
What's the matter?
It's just...You got a lot going on down there.
I do?
Yeah.
But it's cute. It's like red Easter grass.
A little dense, though.
There could be bunnies in there.
What?
Hey, I'm just kidding.
Hey, I know. A little trim might make you more comfortable.
And I got scissors in here somewhere.
Now?
Ohh.
I'm sorry, I gotta take this.
You know what, Chelsea? This is not working for me. You know what, Chelsea? This is not working for me.
What? Wait! No, don't put your clothes on. What? Wait! No, don't put your clothes on.
We can just turn off the light.
Good night, Chelsea.
Dad, this better be important.
I'm with Sloane at the hospital. You gotta get down here.
-Sloane's in labor? -Yeah, and she's having a tough time. -Sloane's in labor? -Yeah, and she's having a tough time.
Get it out of me!
Ok, I'll, uh, I'll be right there.
I didn't care if we were in some stupid fight.
Over the years, whenever I got into trouble,
Sloane was always there to bail me out.
So when that baby came bailing out of her,
I wanted to be there to catch it.
Seriously, dad, I don't think this epidural is working.
Think of the pioneer women, sweetie.
All they could do was scream and bite on a rag.
Or die!
Hi. I know you said not to come to the hospital, but...
get your ass in here. Sister Mary Francis is dead to me!
Ok, one in, one out. I think those are the rules.
I don't think I can do this, Chelsea.
Sloane, you can do this.
Girls at the prom do this all the time.
Just out of curiosity,
what do you girls wear under that getup?
Buy me a pack of smokes and I'll tell you.
Oh, look at her. She is fantastic.
I know. I'm so crazy about her already.
Let's see how you feel when you see what she did to your entertainment center.
Have you decided on a name yet?
Yes. I'm gonna name her after mom.
Sylvia, huh?
Well, that's our mother's name, yeah. Sylvia.
Dad's gonna love that. He's such a kiss-ass.
I know.
I know you hate when I say goopy stuff to you,
but I have to tell you that I don't think
I could have done this without you.
I really mean it. Thank you.
Just for the record, you pooped a little
when you were pushing.
I know.
I did that for you.
Have a cigar.
Sir, cigar.
Chels, congratulations.
Thanks.
Yeah, you finally have someone to call baby
who's not on top of you.
You mean underneath me.
Dee Dee, have a cigar.
Oh, no, thank you.
Then at least do your shot.
It smells like oven cleaner.
Just close your eyes and down it or else you hate the baby.
Oh...
Oh, I think my ears popped.
The dance floor is now open!
Hey, Chels, where's the camera?
It's right there.
All right, everybody, if you would be so kind
as to turn your attention to our monitors...
Aaahhhh!
Whoa! Huh. That's my bad.
Well, I promised vodka
I would turn my life around, and two weeks later
I have a new apartment and I have a new niece
who I helped bring into the world.
Trying to trim a redhead... ridiculous.
But as far as relationships go,
you never know what fate might put in your path.
Sync and correct by Rafael UPD